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Mr. Filch

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Proof [14 Jul 2006|09:17am]
[ mood | angry ]

Can't tell magic when I see it, eh? Is that what you all think of me, then? I bloody well do not like your tone, Ms. Weasley, and I'm not going to stand for it, either. I have a surprise for you and the rest of you bleeding sods.

I'VE BEEN STUDYING!


That's right, I've been studying. Studying MAGIC. Yeah, that's right.Collapse )

9 comments|post comment

IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE [08 Jul 2006|05:53pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Seven years, Potter, you've been ducking in and out of here like you owned the place and I've never had the luck to catch you doing it until now. I don't know what kind of bloody hex you've been using but it's too damned good for student use, that's for sure. I'd ask you about it but I'm TOO BUSY GLOATING.

Thought you'd run off to Hogsmeade on an unsanctioned day?

Thought you'd just buy yourself some fuzzing whizzshits and dancing gackaws? Maybe something from that Weasley store or pick up a delivery from Zonko's?

Too fucking bad. I've got you at it this time and it's the end of the world as far as you're concerned. I hear NEWTs are going to be a sodding treat this year - good luck passing them without studying, because every single second you've got between now and then are going to be spent helping me scrap this year's layer of experiments off of the ceiling in the Potions classroom.




Okay, now I am going to ask: I understand why you were in the tunnels, but the bit of cloth doesn't make any sense. And this paper just says, "FILCH IS A BERK". You might as well be running around the second floor with your knickers on your head for all it was going to keep me from catching you.

Where did all this candy come from?

15 comments|post comment

End of Year Changes [29 May 2006|05:18pm]
[ mood | seething with aniticipation ]

Since you little bastards drove the house elves to strike, I've been having a devil of a time getting my work done. Well, now it's time for the shoe to roost on the other foot. It's Summer Cleaning, you little sods, and you're going to help me get this castle clean enough to eat off of. You may be thinkin, "Oh, it's Mr. Filch and his crazy schemes again", but I tell you that it's nothing of the sort. I can't make you clean instead of going to third period, but I can make detentions flow like water and I will, by god.



1. The second floor lavatories need to be cleaned. I can think of one particular washroom that still has troll droppings in it - I'm lookin' at you on this one, Potter. I've got a crate of toothbrushes set aside for the job.

2. The Great Hall's ceiling needs cleaning again. I've got the Headmaster's permission to shut down the enchantment once a weekend, so we're going to be putting the time to good use.

3. The thestral stables need cleaning. You've got good imaginations, but whatever you come up with will not even get CLOSE to the reality of the situation. Trust me.


That's just the start of the list. I'll be filling it out at a later date.


I'll be seeing you in the halls.

18 comments|post comment

[02 Apr 2006|08:10pm]
[ mood | pissed ]

Right, so me and Silent Bob were hanging around the back of Dante's fucking shit-shop last week, and this old bitch comes up to us askin' for a pair of dimebags and some other shit. My hetero-lifemate made to prep the weed while I eyeballed her tits, but the fuckin' slut pulls a badge! So I said, 'Shit! Book it, supersize' and Silent Bob was like, '...' and we lit trails outta there. I thought I was going to have to push Silent Bob under a cop car or something, but the cop bitch was wearing heels and we ditched her behind the Big Boy dumpsters across the street. After seein' that slut haul ass after us I couldn't stop thinking that maybe we was under some kinda surveillance or some shit, so we was gonna hop the next bus for wherethefuckever. But the busstop wanted fucking money, again, so we was heading out to the I-95 to suck a ride but this nerd was standin' on the curb with a suitcase an' I thought to mess his shit up for lunch money. But then this shit-ass bus pulls up and Silent Bob just walks right on an' the greasy cockpuller behind the wheel didn't say nothing. We rode that bitch to the end of the line and all of a sudden there's castles and shit and I said, "Silent Bob, what the fuck?" and he was like, "?!" so we snuck in and found us a closet or something to sleep in. That was last week, right, so now the loopy bitch at the bar wants us to pay our tabs.

Any of you motherfuckers need to fuckin' smoke some muggles?

11 comments|post comment

Shitting shit! [26 Nov 2005|10:13am]
[ mood | gleeful ]

So, Corner filled Ravenclaw tower with smoke and claimed that it would fix the virus-thing. By the time I carted my laptop up there, it was gone, so I thought I'd make some of my own smoke and take care of the problem. That bloody well didn't work - my laptop smelled like smoke and was still belching bouquets of rats. So I set the thing on fire. No more rats, but it also didn't work. In conclusion: Corner's an idiot, and I now have a new laptop.


Had my yearly visit with Poofy Pomfrey, and she says that I'm starting to gain weight. That's bullshit. I'm still the trim fifty-six kilograms that I was when I graduated from secondary school, but she went on about "colestrol" and "exercise". I told her to push off, and then she hexed me. If I don't run at least a mile a day then my skin starts to flash like a pissing neon sign. Dumbledore refused to suspend her without pay, and instead suggested that I train for a marathon.

Not a bad fucking idea. I'm in luck, too: you students vacate the halls periodically, so I have a clear shot at finishing a mile before teatime. If I start early. I'd run down by the lake, but the squid's been acting particular of late.


On a different note, my spirits have started to lift recently. I can't pin it down, but whenever I walk the corridors between classes, I can't help but think about considering the possibility that I might stop scowling. Everyone seems to be sinking deeper into a pit of eternal black despair. I can't do anything but wish my arthritus would let me jump for joy. The terrible, unbelieveable pain of existance must finally be setting in.

20 comments|post comment

[08 Aug 2005|10:55pm]
[ mood | cold again, damnit! ]

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32 comments|post comment

[07 Aug 2005|11:27pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I made a decision last night. I was standing in front of my closet, staring into the soul-crushing blackness that resides there and trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to get my favorite shirt back, and it just hit me. Out of the blue-like.


It's high time someone fucking well came in here and got this scary piece of work Veil out of my bedroom. What do you think, Professor Lupin?

I mean, it's not that I don't mind doing a favor for a bloke, but I can't do this anymore. It feels like it's five degrees in here no matter how much wood I throw on the fire, and it smells simultaneously like a treacle tart, a broomstick handle and some sort of hideous flower. Mrs. Norris has taken to chasing mice into it all night long. I suspect she's also pushing her leads into it as well - I haven't seen one of them for weeks.

So. Anytime you like. I'm waiting.

14 comments|post comment

I found her [15 Jul 2005|05:14pm]
[ mood | soaking ]

Well, Mrs. Norris is finally back. I set her out a plate of oil and she came right round. She's a good girl. It's about time that she showed up, too. She has her independant streak, I know, but this was pretty damned ridiculous. I blame paparazzi_colin for scaring her off her feed. I've been thinking about dragging him off to the Headmaster's office, but this pinà coloa isn't going to drink itself. Someone'd steal my records while I was gone, anyway. No sodding respect.

This vacation thing is turning out better than I expected. There are more than enough out of the way spots to relax in this place. And it rains a good bit less here than in it did in the Mediterranean.


Ah! Time to put in some more hot water.

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Just so as we're clear [12 Jul 2005|10:57am]
[ mood | soaked ]

Thanks to a certain "evil" Overlord, I am currently on my way back to Scotland in the back of some Muggle's truck. We've stopped to get some food, but it's raining and I'm soaked. I'm going to try to get the Knight Bus to pick me up, but I don't have high hopes.

Summer session or no, I am going to have my vacation, dammit. With that in mind, I have been rooting around in my copy of Hogwarts bylaws and regulations and I have pulled some of the older entries that I thought would be appropriate. At least, I think they're appropriate. They're kind of hard to understand. Here are some highlights:


1. There will be noe spitting in front of the fairer sex. (In fact, no spitting at all. Filthy, disgusting habit.)

2. Noe one shall wear trousers inn the Greate Hall. (I should think this is fairly obvious.)

3. It shalle be agaienst the law to be drunke and in possession of a bovine. (I'm not sure what a bovine is, but there had better not be one inside the castle. Or sodding drunks - without written permission, of course. The forms are available in my office.)

4. Any persone found breaking a boiled egg by the sharp end shall be sentenced to twenty-foure hours suspended from an appropreate beam or timbere. (Also obvious, I should think.)

5. Armour shalle not be worne inside a church on Wednesdays. (Just leave all the armour alone. It's got enough problems of its own without snot-faced kids sliding around inside 'em.)

6. All students are requered to bowe their heads when passing a portraet in the hall. (And you could damn well do the same with faculty and staff!)

7. Written permession is requird for students to washe a mule in the foyer. (Good luck getting it, too! Keep your mules outside!)

8. Womin may not fly a broomsticke without wearing a bright yellowe bowler hatt. Theye may also not exceed 15mph. (Makes sense to me.)

9. It is against regulations for unfinished pie to be removed from the Great Hall. (Just eat it, for God's sake!)

10. Students of defferent Houses must weare their House creste on their clothing. The creste must be larger than a ferret. (While you're at it, might as well sew your name above your crest. I've talked some of the portraits and a few of the ghosts into patrolling for me - their eyesight ain't the best.)



The rest will be posted in each House common room and in the Great Hall. I'll be available for questions, but I will be on vacation for the next two weeks, like I'd planned. Follow the rules like they was your mother's own. I'm going to have a drink.

4 comments|post comment

[21 Jun 2005|06:03pm]
[ mood | Planning ]

So, today's the last day of term here at Hogwarts. All you lads and lasses are packing your things and carting them off to the carriages and I have to say it's about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Watching you miserable beggars empty my hallways is like beam of warm sunshine on my soul.

Of course, Mrs. Norris is still missing. I know she's been around because she keeps knocking my laptop-thing about the room. I'll have some time to find her over the next months. She appears to have stopped having explosive releases of steam accidents, so I'm going to stop worrying about that. She'll show when she wants.


Which brings me to my next topic - what shall I bloody do with the summer holidays? As usual, there are more than a few paintings that have given me more than enough lip, and now that the cleaning schedule is about to lax I can finally get some digs in on those filthy portraits. I ought to see if I can get them transferred to a Muggle museum for a few weeks - see how they like being glared at.

Speaking of glaring, I need to see if I can afford some of that specialized equipment I saw in the catalogs a few months back. Peeves has his coming. That one can go to hell, he can.

2 comments|post comment

Someone, somewhere, thinks this is funny [16 Jun 2005|08:56pm]
[ mood | Seething ]

Mrs. Norris has been missing for the past day. I didn't think nothing of it, because she'd been in for maintenance out of sorts for a few days, now. Leaking oil Having a slash behind my filing cabinet, attacking my ankles at random. Chewing holes in the tile. It'd be that time of the month if I didn't know better.

So I was talking a nice afternoon stalk when I decided to have a holiday in the deserted second floor corridor. There I find Mrs. Norris hung from the ceiling between the windows, in a cage no less, with this tripe across the wall:



Five girls.

Five days.

One rocking world!

Spice World
15 December 1997


Fuckmyluck, Creevy. I'm going to break you in half. And I've got the proper goddamned forms this time!

12 comments|post comment

HA! [10 Jun 2005|02:13pm]
[ mood | victorious ]

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3 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2005|04:10pm]
[ mood | abusive ]

Right. It's been damned quiet around here lately. It's suspicious as all fucking hell when practically the entire school decides to belt up all at once. But I got to thinking. Let's tally this, shall we? It's been more than a fortnight since:


1. I had to clean up the same gobfesterin' muddy mess in the entrance hall - formerly a daily occurance.
2. Some budding genius thought it would be lark to conjure a swamp in the upper hallway
3. Anyone was out of their dormitories after lights out
4. Second block Potions class blew something vile across one of the dungeon ceilings
5. Any, and I mean any, dungbombs've gone off in the hallway during passing period


I think it's fairly obvious what's goin' on here:

Dumbledore's put tranquilzers in the drinking water. FINALLY.


Headmaster, I give praise where praise is due, and this is fantastic. I'm glad to see you've come around. You're on the right track, but we need to escalate. Give these little blighters an inch and they'll hang you by the yard, I always say. Best thing to do right now is keep them on their toes. Beartraps in high traffic areas would a good start.

11 comments|post comment

[13 Feb 2005|03:02pm]
It's not fair! Not fucking fair at all.

Smith has no reason to claim all the willing women! None!

Mrs Norris will take me, won't you? Good girl.
10 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2005|08:17am]
No, kitty! That's a bad god damn kitty!
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[05 Dec 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | v. v. drunk ]

eric at least i think it was eric it might have been fred told me to go nick some beer from the house elves and i didnt know that the house elves made beer but I went down to the kitchens and they have their own BREWERY but shhhhhh dont tell!!!! so I drank lots and lots of beer and maybe it wasnt good for me to drink those entire two cases!!

but i had to do something because ginny said for deanie to change but I dont want Deanie to change cause what if he does change then he realises, oh, look at this drunken idiot, why am i mates with him? and then he'll wont want to be mates anymore

then mus will be without a deanie

and that defence essay on dislexia and leg locker curses or SOME SHit about that is due soon and i havent even started that and woe

23 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2004|10:37pm]
Love, I hope you're feeling better now that we've had that long, hot, wet bubble bath. Though I suppose if that didn't work, the slow, sensual, naked full-body massage would have done the trick.

Perhaps we should have been a little less rough with the kitchen furniture, however. I think we may have to go shopping for a new table come tomorrow...a much sturdier one, at that. The floor and bench should be fine, though. Nothing a quick Scourgify or two (or seven) won't fix.

Oh, perhaps we could add a table to our wedding wishlist! Although...there is, of course, the wedding night to think of...we'd probably just end up having to replace it once we got back from our rampant, sexually devious honeymoon.
22 comments|post comment

[04 Dec 2004|11:39am]
[ mood | drunk ]

I don't care that they took me journal, but have they taken me beer??!?!?!? Does anyone know???

HAS ANYONE SEEN ME BEER?????!!!?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING A 2000 WORD ESSAY FOR CHARMS ON LATIN VERB CONJUGATION AND NOUN DECLENSION ON CHARMWORK WHILE COMPARING CLASSICAL, VULGAR, AND MODERN WIZARDING (OR LATIN, AND THEIR VARYING STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES FOR AT LEAST FIVE CATEGORIES OF SPELLS) AND ADDRESSING THE QUESTION WHY WE DON'T JUST USE ENGLISH WHEN ME BEER MAY BE IN JEOPARDY??????!

HOW I ASK??!??!

41 comments|post comment

[28 Sep 2004|07:32pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So I was busy giving the one-eyed monster from the basement a bit of a polish in my office when I hear the distinctive sound of bagpipes being dropped down a flight of stairs.

And then I realised it were only Mrs. Norris.

BUT! It was then I noticed, in my hard-working daze, that she was being kicked, by some unknown force. I am deeply suspicious. It's that fucking armour, I swear it. It's taking out my precious kitty before it comes to finish off old Filch.

... Wait, no... fuck. I'd be able to SEE the bloody armour, but I can't fucking SEE anything.

It was then that I was unexpectedly, viciously and cruelly pantsed, causing me to flee awkwardly for safety inside a nearby iron maiden, until Mrs. N stopped yowling, signalling it was okay to open the door.


That's going to leave marks.

6 comments|post comment

Jesus. [08 Sep 2004|11:47pm]
[ mood | on guard ]

The armour is watching me. I swear. I walk past and it's bloody watching me, watching me with its eyes. It mocks me, when my back is turned. It laughs at me, when it thinks I ain't in earshot.



You brats kids watch out for that armour... it's up to no good, I'd wager. It won't stop with old Filch, no. First the caretaker, then the students... then the whole school.

16 comments|post comment

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